I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
