Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
