I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
