i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
