Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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