You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
