I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
