she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
