my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
