I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
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If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We have so much sex to catch up on
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You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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