My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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