like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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