If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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