If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
