16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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