my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
