I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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