I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
