how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This house was built for laser tag.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
