booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
