If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
