I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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