4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
