Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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