My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
