when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
