I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
