I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
