if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
