I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
