The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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