I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
