when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
should my penis look like a turkey
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
