and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
