You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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