I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
