Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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