you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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