I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
