Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
