Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
