: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
