I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
