So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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