I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
