honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
