i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
