I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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