I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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