Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
