finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
