I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
