Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
