Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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