Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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