I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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