Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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